After finally talking with my boss about some issues I was having at work, I thought it was time to take an inventory of the issues I may or may not have at home. 

One being always wanting a clean house, but never having the energy to actually clean it after a long day at work and taking care of Little A and pets.  I’m good at managing my time while at work, but when I get home, I just can’t seem to do it at home.  Like right now, instead of sitting here in front of the computer and TV, I should be starting the laundry and doing the pile of dishes. 

Two, I let too many things bother me.  I’m pretty good at letting some things go, like the family drama, but other things just seem to stick with me.  For example, Monday was the worst day I’ve had in weeks.  It all started with a nightmare about someone who was trying to kill me chased me up a large rather skinny building.  While I was at the top of the building, I pondered how I was going to kill myself since I didn’t want this guy to kill me.  Then I lost my purse, put on two different pairs of shoes, and was a half-hour late to work.  I let these events determine the course of my day which is completely wrong.  I need to just let things go.

Third, and final for today, is I need to snap out of depressed states quicker.  Most people with chronic diseases are depressed because the medication, the stress, anxiety, and frustrations that come with these diseases can be a bit much sometimes.  While I have some limitations to what I can do, I can’t let these limitations rule my life.  I need to continually strive for acceptance of my arthritis and why it has changed my life.

Honestly,  I had nothing to do with her decision.  Little A has told me repeatly for the past few weeks that she doesn’t want her dad to pick her up anymore.  She doesn’t mind if he comes over to visit her here, but she doesn’t want to leave with him. 

Saturday, Oct 10 was his first visit since Aug. 29th.  It was six weeks between visits.  And I think it was six weeks prior to the Aug. 29 visit. 

We hardly talk about her dad, except to discuss how different families can be and how it is ok.  Like, Little A’s dad doesn’t live with us and he can’t see her that often, and that’s ok.  And how her cousins live with both their mom and dad, and that’s ok.  etc.

I really don’t know how to handle this.  It breaks my heart to hear that she has little interest in him.  But it is also a relief that she is realizing on her own that she can’t count on him. 

A little background:  Her dad and I were “together” for about a total of 3 years.  We were together a year and half before Little A was conceived.  He is 9 years my senior.  He lives with his uncle and I lived by myself.  There has always been 30 to 40 miles between us so we didn’t see each other every day.  I was completing my masters degree and he had his activities, so when Little A came along, I was hoping for a change.  I wanted to get married, live together, and raise our daughter together.  Our outside activities could still be a part of our lives, but not the main topic.  He saw things differently.  Never asked me to marry him,  wanted an abortion, tried to live with us, but couldn’t even cover our rent payment, while I paid for everything else including day care.  So we split.  Long story short, everything and everybody was more important than me, and now it’s Little A’s turn.   

 I learned to take care of everything myself.  And she learned that I do everything for her.  She’s a mumma’s girl. 

So my readers, how do i handle this one?  I don’t want to force her to see him, but I have to let him see her according to our agreement filed with the state.  I can’t deny him access to her.  Do I tell him this?  I have had many conversations with him about either being in her live or not because these long breaks between visits is hurting her and him, but it always makes me the bad guy.

This arthritis sometimes just takes over my life.  It’s not that I’m in any pain today.  I actually feel really good as far as my joints go.  Instead today, I am battling my iron deficiency as a result of my medication that is now Enbrel.  I have so little color in my face.  I am exhausted beyond belief even though I went to bed around 10:30 and up around 5:30 which is about hour more than usual.  I can’t concentrate on anything.  I am so irritable too.  I know I yelled at Little A yesterday for the littlest of things.

I feel like such a horrible mother when I get like this.   It usually takes me a week or so to figure out what is wrong with me because the symptoms of being tired usually come first, then the irritability, then lack of focus.

Well I’ve done really well.  The only charges I made with my credit card was for gas on the day I decided to this (so I’m not really counting those). 

$50.99 at Target (diapers, paper towel, Easter Bunny gifts (DVD, flowers to grow, and book), light bulbs, cat treats).  Used almost $8.00 in coupons

$11.38 at Sam’s Club (Cat Litter)

$18.00 Bath & Body Works (Moisturizing Hand Soap)

$20 worth of lunches for  the week

Krogers tonight:  need to spend less than $40.00 (using coupons) purchase only items that I need that are on sale.

Tonight or tomorrow night returning merchandise to Sears and Home Depot. 

The only thing I would change about last week’s purchases would be the money spent on lunches.  While I do believe that rewarding yourself by going out to lunch with co-workers once in while, I did it too much last week.

I must say it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  I actually found myself thinking about the purchases.

he had to get his car fixed.  So Sunday came around and he took for a few hours.  She came back to me with no nap, a bump on the head and horrible tantrum that made me think my child was possessed by the devil himself.  I knew taking her for overnights wouldn’t last because something might come up.

Instead of giving up chocolate, sweets, or Facebook during this year’s lent, I am going to change my spending habits.  (I guess you could say that I’m giving up the ability to spend money I don’t have.)

Beginning today, I will only use my credit card for things I must have:  gas, food, toiletries.  I will not buy Little A any toys (except one thing that the Easter Bunny will bring for her).  I will not go out to lunch unless I have the cash, which I usually don’t.  I will not buy candy bars, or cute things that I might use only a few times.  And the number one thing, I will not buy new clothes.

If I’m going to get myself out of this nasty debt, I must start somewhere so why not start here.  If I can make it these 40 days without spending money I don’t have, I just might get rid of this debt by mid 2010.

First thing, I will call my credit card companies today to either cancel cards or lower credit limits. 

Wish me luck!  What are you giving up for lent?

First of all, I am shocked that the Father of the Year actually did keep his word and picked her up on Friday at school.  He took everything home with him including the stuff from the Valentine’s Day party.

My first night “off” in almost three years was very low key.  I did a few errands and took the dogs with me.  The J-Man stopped by for a little while as did my best friend.  Then I went out for a drive around 10 PM.  I didn’t make any plans for the evening because one I don’t have any money and two I wasn’t sure if she would make it through the night.  I also didn’t sleep one wink because the house was so quiet. 

I had be up and moving by 7 on Saturday morning because my new doors were being installed.  So it was very nice not having Little A home while they put in the new doors.  It was also very cold in the house and the animals were stuck in the bedrooms so they wouldn’t get in the way or sneak out. 

P.S. My new doors are fabulous.  I don’t see the light coming in around the jams, don’t feel the breeze 7 feet from the door, and they are so much brighter than the dark stained wood ones that I had before. 

P.S.S.  I am hoping that these new doors are also a metaphor for my life.  Since I’m opening new doors into my home, maybe new doors will open up in my life.  Maybe even the door to the man of my dreams. 

Little A’s dad called today.  We haven’t heard from him in a week.  He wants to pick her up from daycare Friday and bring her home on Sunday.  He has never wanted to do this.  He goes weeks without seeing or talking to her.  Then out of the blue he’s around for a few weeks.  Then he’s gone  again.

I know he’s only around again because I’ve made some comments on my facebook page about how he has been behaving.  His niece is one of my “friends” there.  So I think she’s spoken to him about being a poor parent.  Her kid’s dad does the same things to her.  The thing is talking to him only makes him a part of her life for a few weeks so they will  leave him alone.  To make them happy.  To make them believe that he is a good father.  I know this because that’s how he behaved when we were together.  You shouldn’t have to lecture someone on how to treat their loved ones.

How can he do this?  Sadly, our arrangements with the state allow him to take her over the weekends, but I don’t want to let him take her.  He doesn’t deserve to be a part of her life.  She is too smart, too pretty, and too sweet to have anything to do with him. 

I need some advice.  How do you handle the other parent taking your child?

What a lovely dinner!  One egg, a croisant, carrot, donut, and peas hot off the burner!

Little A loves cooking in her kitchen.  Her Little Tyke’s Kitchen was one of the best investments as far as kid’s toys go.  The kitchen came with only a few toys so I had to buy a set of plastic foods.  J-man’s mom bought her a set of dishes.  She got this kitchen almost a year ago and she’s still using it. 

So far her favorite Christmas present was the easel.  I found it in the LTD Commodities catalog for less than $30.  She uses it atleast once a day.  She’s learning how to draw smiley faces.   I’ll post a pic once she get’s it right.  I don’t want to embarass her anymore than I need too. 

What are your little one’s toys that stay around for a while?

 

 

One of the sales guys at work gave me two hair dryers for Little A.  So I showed her how they worked and left the room.  After a few minutes, I caught her in action.  She was even using a comb.  Cherry (the monkey) was an excellent client.  She sat very still so Little A could work.  Rosie was a little jealous of Cherry because she doesn’t have any hair for Little A to work with.