After finally talking with my boss about some issues I was having at work, I thought it was time to take an inventory of the issues I may or may not have at home. 

One being always wanting a clean house, but never having the energy to actually clean it after a long day at work and taking care of Little A and pets.  I’m good at managing my time while at work, but when I get home, I just can’t seem to do it at home.  Like right now, instead of sitting here in front of the computer and TV, I should be starting the laundry and doing the pile of dishes. 

Two, I let too many things bother me.  I’m pretty good at letting some things go, like the family drama, but other things just seem to stick with me.  For example, Monday was the worst day I’ve had in weeks.  It all started with a nightmare about someone who was trying to kill me chased me up a large rather skinny building.  While I was at the top of the building, I pondered how I was going to kill myself since I didn’t want this guy to kill me.  Then I lost my purse, put on two different pairs of shoes, and was a half-hour late to work.  I let these events determine the course of my day which is completely wrong.  I need to just let things go.

Third, and final for today, is I need to snap out of depressed states quicker.  Most people with chronic diseases are depressed because the medication, the stress, anxiety, and frustrations that come with these diseases can be a bit much sometimes.  While I have some limitations to what I can do, I can’t let these limitations rule my life.  I need to continually strive for acceptance of my arthritis and why it has changed my life.

Honestly,  I had nothing to do with her decision.  Little A has told me repeatly for the past few weeks that she doesn’t want her dad to pick her up anymore.  She doesn’t mind if he comes over to visit her here, but she doesn’t want to leave with him. 

Saturday, Oct 10 was his first visit since Aug. 29th.  It was six weeks between visits.  And I think it was six weeks prior to the Aug. 29 visit. 

We hardly talk about her dad, except to discuss how different families can be and how it is ok.  Like, Little A’s dad doesn’t live with us and he can’t see her that often, and that’s ok.  And how her cousins live with both their mom and dad, and that’s ok.  etc.

I really don’t know how to handle this.  It breaks my heart to hear that she has little interest in him.  But it is also a relief that she is realizing on her own that she can’t count on him. 

A little background:  Her dad and I were “together” for about a total of 3 years.  We were together a year and half before Little A was conceived.  He is 9 years my senior.  He lives with his uncle and I lived by myself.  There has always been 30 to 40 miles between us so we didn’t see each other every day.  I was completing my masters degree and he had his activities, so when Little A came along, I was hoping for a change.  I wanted to get married, live together, and raise our daughter together.  Our outside activities could still be a part of our lives, but not the main topic.  He saw things differently.  Never asked me to marry him,  wanted an abortion, tried to live with us, but couldn’t even cover our rent payment, while I paid for everything else including day care.  So we split.  Long story short, everything and everybody was more important than me, and now it’s Little A’s turn.   

 I learned to take care of everything myself.  And she learned that I do everything for her.  She’s a mumma’s girl. 

So my readers, how do i handle this one?  I don’t want to force her to see him, but I have to let him see her according to our agreement filed with the state.  I can’t deny him access to her.  Do I tell him this?  I have had many conversations with him about either being in her live or not because these long breaks between visits is hurting her and him, but it always makes me the bad guy.

This arthritis sometimes just takes over my life.  It’s not that I’m in any pain today.  I actually feel really good as far as my joints go.  Instead today, I am battling my iron deficiency as a result of my medication that is now Enbrel.  I have so little color in my face.  I am exhausted beyond belief even though I went to bed around 10:30 and up around 5:30 which is about hour more than usual.  I can’t concentrate on anything.  I am so irritable too.  I know I yelled at Little A yesterday for the littlest of things.

I feel like such a horrible mother when I get like this.   It usually takes me a week or so to figure out what is wrong with me because the symptoms of being tired usually come first, then the irritability, then lack of focus.

Well I’ve done really well.  The only charges I made with my credit card was for gas on the day I decided to this (so I’m not really counting those). 

$50.99 at Target (diapers, paper towel, Easter Bunny gifts (DVD, flowers to grow, and book), light bulbs, cat treats).  Used almost $8.00 in coupons

$11.38 at Sam’s Club (Cat Litter)

$18.00 Bath & Body Works (Moisturizing Hand Soap)

$20 worth of lunches for  the week

Krogers tonight:  need to spend less than $40.00 (using coupons) purchase only items that I need that are on sale.

Tonight or tomorrow night returning merchandise to Sears and Home Depot. 

The only thing I would change about last week’s purchases would be the money spent on lunches.  While I do believe that rewarding yourself by going out to lunch with co-workers once in while, I did it too much last week.

I must say it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  I actually found myself thinking about the purchases.

he had to get his car fixed.  So Sunday came around and he took for a few hours.  She came back to me with no nap, a bump on the head and horrible tantrum that made me think my child was possessed by the devil himself.  I knew taking her for overnights wouldn’t last because something might come up.